is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
