I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
