My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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