on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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