I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
