He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Randomize
