She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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