I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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