I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
