just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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