there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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