u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
