I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
