I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The best revenge is premature balding
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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