I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
