I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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