I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
