So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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