drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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