i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
