I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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