Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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