its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
the liver wants what the liver wants
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
