I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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