Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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