Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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