Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Is Oprah even human
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
