I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
