I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
