im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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