I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
