i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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