just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
