i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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