just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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