so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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