And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
