jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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