i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
