How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
