You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
