There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
