If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
