I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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