I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
