I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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