I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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