i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
