I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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