I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
