i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just pee around me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize