How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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