this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
