Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
