Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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