I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
