My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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