I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
