Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
