Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Semen is not good for contacts.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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