so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
